Don’t Do These 5 Things on First Dates

Today’s the day! You finally got her out on a date with you!

This girl might be your dream girl or she might not be. Maybe she’s only a hookup, or maybe you’re still not sure yet. Whatever the case may be it’s okay.

But only if you avoid these very common dating mistakes that I myself used to make when I was new and I see men make over and over… You avoid these mistakes and you’ll be light years ahead of most other men.

While this post doesn’t go into it, you’ll also need to meet women (get the free report on how to get more women using online dating) to get her out on a date with you in the first place!

Let’s dive in.

1. Texting While on The Date

Before I started consistently hearing from women about this I honestly believed it was some stereotype that existed only in movies. But no, which is why I have to say this.

STAY OFF OF YOUR PHONES WHILE ON DATES

Unless you’re showing her something (which I recommend showing her cool pictures, cute animal pics or whatever else) keep your phone in your pocket, preferably on silent/vibrate. And if you do show her something from that one cool trip you had, then bring up the topic, talk about it for a moment and show her whatever it is that you want to show her. It can even be a funny video, that works too. But afterwards, put it back in your pocket.

There is absolutely no reason to be on your phone while on a date with a woman.

Again, if you want to show her something then that’s perfectly fine. It can even help you out and make you look good. But first, make sure that she enjoys the topic and then put it away immediately after.

I’ve had unusual circumstances come up where there was some kind of emergency and my phone just would not stop vibrating in my pocket. I told her what was happening and that I should probably check it in case it was an emergency and apologized as I took it out.

Turns out someone added me to a group chat, so as I was silencing the group chat notifications we had a good laugh about it. That got us talking about how annoying they are and it allowed us to connect about it.

Perfectly fine, sometimes shit happens. But make sure to be polite about it.

2. Talking Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Too Much

Probably the number 1 turnoff for both men and women, is simply never shutting up.

When you spend all of the time talking you prevent your possible new special friend from ever investing in you or the date. One of the reasons that some people are considered so magnetic and charismatic is because they push others into investing in the conversation. They cause others to invest in the conversation, and into them.

When someone invests in you they begin to like you more. The same is true when people do favors for you, if you want people to like you ask them to do favors for you. It’s known as the Ben Franklin Effect:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect

The Ben Franklin effect is a proposed psychological phenomenon: a person who has already performed a favor for another is more likely to do another favor for the other than if they had received a favor from that person.

What this tells us is that you should get people to invest in you, not the other way around. If you want to feel more connected to someone then you should invest more of yourself into that relationship.

But when you talk too much, you will walk away from a date feeling like you two are connected while she’s thinking about how she just wasted a half hour of her life.

Your number 1 goal when talking to women, if you want them to feel connected to you is to get them to open up to you. Be curious about people in general and you’ll make more friends as well as lovers. You should aim to learn something new about women when talking to them.

However don’t go overboard into the next mistake…

3. Don’t Interview Your Dates and Forget to Relate to Them

While you need to be curious and ask lots of questions, you shouldn’t switch into interview mode. This means that you will have to switch it up.

Some easy ways to do this is to find things to relate to her with. Say she talks about something that she’s passionate about. It could be anything, say she’s a passionate vegan. Now let’s say that you’re a borderline Ron Swanson.

No need to fear, you can still get this girl. It’s not important that you connect with her on being a vegan (though if you yourself are a vegan it will certainly help). What is important is to connect with her emotionally.

When she starts talking about how animals are super important to her, that she wants to save the planet, there’s still a chance. She loves animals and the planet so much that she can’t sit still when she thinks about it. She feels so much for everything involved about being vegan.

Even Ron Swanson has a chance to connect with her here.

Relate to her about something that you’re passionate about. Whatever that thing is. I’ll use myself as an example, I love exploring the world around me. Adventures are my thing.

So if I were on a date with this woman, even though I’m damn near a Ron Swanson meat level eater myself, I can still connect with her. I would say something like…

That’s awesome that you’re so passionate about something like that! I know exactly what you mean, I’m the same way about exploration. I just love finding new places to roam around in.

Just thinking about a new fun place to adventure in makes my foot twitch and I can’t help but get this stupid grin on my face. I get this itch of insatiable wanderlust to just go and run around whatever this new place is. Sometimes I’ll take my camera, sometimes I get too excited and forget to bring it but it’s always a great time either way.

Not only does a statement like that give her something to relate to me with (we are each passionate about something, and passion in a man is a panty-dropper) but it also gives her something to ask me about if she wants, photography. Or maybe I’ve accidentally hit on one of her other passions.

Doing things like this allows you to ease off of asking too many questions and allows you to easily turn the conversation back to her. In this example, she may ask me about photography or she may launch right into another story. If she were to ask me about photography, even though it’s another passion of mine, I would quickly answer her question and turn it back around to her “I love it, it’s so fun to bring a creation of yours to life. What about you, do you like getting in front of or even behind a camera?”

Boom, now there’s a new conversation piece where you can take it anywhere you want to. From here, I could ask her to model for me sometime, tease her about her shyness or maybe find out about her secret stash of topless selfies. When you get women to open up to you, you’ll hear all kinds of things. It can be a fun and wild ride.

But when you start getting women to open up to you…

4. Be Careful About Judging Her…

HUGE MISTAKE!!! 

If you judge her after she starts to open up then she’s going to start ‘othering’ you. People like those who are similar to themselves. That means that if you judge her she’s going to see you less as someone compatible and similar to her and more as someone that is very unlike her.

This is also why you absolutely, should never talk about religion or politics on a first date. If she brings it up and you hold the exact same opinions, then it’s fine to connect over it a little bit but even then… I wouldn’t. That’s because beliefs can be so nuanced you never know when you’ll accidentally hit someone’s hot button. If somehow you do manage to find it, you’ll never see her again.

Going back to the vegan example above, you can’t go into how vegans are sentimental dumbasses if you expect to see her ever again. I don’t know about you, but my goal on a date with a woman is to eventually have sex with her. If only for a night or for the rest of my life, that’s still my goal.

If that’s not your goal, then you can go ahead and whatever it is that you want. But if you want to see her again, then it’s much safer to just change the subject.

That also means that if you have strong, negative opinions about certain groups of people, keep them to yourself. Feel free to talk about them when she’s become a regular part of your life.

You just never know what someones past has been like. Say you don’t like politicians (I wouldn’t blame you, they suck) you still can’t bring up how much they suck unless she does first. And even then, you want to choose your words carefully.

If you bring up how terrible all politicians are, she might agree with you. But there’s also the chance that she’s heavily invested into politics herself. Goes to meetings, considers herself an activist and so on. Or maybe her dad is a hardcore politician. If you were to start badmouthing all politicians you would also be badmouthing her dad, and if she likes her dad then she would start to hate you.

Most of the time, you’ll never know why either. She’ll just go quiet and end the date as soon as she gets the chance.

It’s much safer to just change the subject. Even if what you want is a serious girlfriend, I would still advise you to be careful about harsh and negative opinions. Otherwise you will be lonely while on the search, and you might end up getting rusty and losing out on the girl you do want when you find her.

Habits are hard to break.

5. Never Touching Her

Speaking of habits, if there was ever a habit that was hard for me to break, it was never touching women. Ever. And this is something that I see a lot of men struggle with.

You have to become comfortable with touch.

Women, for the most part, are pretty reactionary in the dating world. If you freak out about something, she’s going to freak about it too. If you’re cool and nonchalant about something, well, it must not be a big deal (though there are clearly a lot of exceptions, this isn’t a mind control super power).

But touch is one of those things, so long as you don’t go full creeper and try to grope her right away.

Touch is a very powerful thing, and it’s an attractive thing. Human beings are wired to be touched. Studies done on babies that are never touched, actually die. And the ones that don’t, have severe problems growing up. Some additional reading:

  1. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/maia-szalavitz/how-orphanages-kill-babie_b_549608.html
  2. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/infant-touch/
  3. http://theconversation.com/can-a-lack-of-love-be-deadly-58659

Besides the awesome effects for both mothers and babies, it helps us with women (and is also good for us as well). It helps connect people to each other and also helps turn her on.

Once you get even the basics, touch can be amazing, and it’s something that I struggled with getting comfortable with. If touch is something that you’re uncomfortable with, I’ve got you covered with some safe basics. These will allow you to gradually become more and more comfortable with touch:

  1. Arms
    1. Totally cool, and a great place to break the touch barrier (the touch barrier is jargon for if you haven’t touched her yet)
    2. An easy rule to keep in mind is if you are saying something, or she is opening up to you, touch her on the arm or the hand or possibly even the shoulder. This allows you to connect to her and get her used to being touched by you
  2. Lower back
    1. Whenever you are moving somewhere with her, or opening the door for her or whatever: touch her on her lower back. This is a fun little safe move that breaks the touch barrier, it’s a generally safe place and allows you to lightly dominate and lead her in a way. In all the years of dating, I’ve literally never had any woman remove my hand or even jump back in any way when touching their lower back to lead them somewhere
    2. Note; you shouldn’t just leave your hand there. Lightly guide her where ever it is that you’re going and then let go of her. This is a touch where you’ll touch her for just a few seconds at most. And the pressure you exert onto her is very light, just barely enough to notice

Some quick touching errors:

  1. Don’t linger
    1. Mentioned above, but don’t just leave your hand on her for very long. A light, firm touch is more than enough here. Think of it like a period, or even an added oomph to the conversation. A light boost is all you need here
  2. Whatever you do, do not ever look at your hand when touching her (at least in the beginning)
    1. This is something that will immediately creep her out. The reason for this is because it’s not natural to look at your hand as you touch someone. If you’ll watch people that are very comfortable with each other, or even with your own close friends, you’ll playfully hit each other or do high fives or possibly even a hug. But if you watch people you’ll notice that they don’t ever actually look at their hand as they touch each other
    2. This is also something that very clearly communicates to her that you’re not being real with her. Because it’s so unnatural it tells her that you’re putting on an act and not being real, this is very bad and the reason that she feels creeped out, though she will never truly understand why. This is the reason
  3. Don’t ‘hover’
    1. Hover hand is another thing that will creep women out to no end. If you’re going to touch someone, go ahead and do it. Don’t half ass it because just like looking at your hand as you touch someone, hover hand is something that communicates how uncomfortable you are. It also tells her that this is a big deal to you. And anything that’s a big deal to you she will reason should be a big deal to her and it creeps people out.

Those are some of the common mistakes that should help you out for now.

Until then, keep moving forward
-Alexander

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