Chapter 3: Over Investing/Texting
Texting too often and being too available is by far the worst, most flagrant and common mistake I see in the dating world.
Remember that women want someone who is their equal or better. When guys text too often they communicate that they have nothing better to do in their life but talk to her. This is the opposite of being her equal or better. This tells her, whether true or not, that she is better than whoever is over texting.
This absolutely MURDERS her attraction for the over texter. It makes her second guess herself and then she tells herself “I must have been wrong, this guy’s not so attractive after all”.
And then a text message gets ignored.
Then ignored again.
Then finally a text that says that she’s been busy, but life will calm down soon.
- Big. Fat. Lie.
Nobody’s that busy…
If she likes you she will make time.
I’ve had girlfriends who were part time models, played in orchestras during the holidays and still worked a 40 to 50-hour work week on top of hobbies and having a social life. Some even worked 80+ hours a week.
They still made time for me and rarely, if ever, ignored my text messages. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have to wait for a while, but they always got back to me and that’s a trend that continues to this day.
Why do women still make time for me even if they’re so busy? Because they’re attracted to me and they like me (not all women, of course, because nothing in life is ever 100%). Because I’m never too available and communicate to them indirectly that I’m on their level. That I’m someone worthy of their attraction and love. This is a way of telling women that I know my worth and that they should know that they made the right choice in being attracted to me in the first place.
Not texting too often isn’t going to turn a lukewarm girl turn into a piping-hot-in-love-with-you girl. But texting too often will take the in-love-with-you girl and turn her into a lukewarm girl or even turn her cold.
But what kind of boost can you count on? It’s something that helps to reinforce the attraction she already feels for you by making her think of you in the best case. In the worst case it keeps you from bugging her when she’s busy doing something and getting annoyed with you in an unattractive way.
Using myself as an example again: She will think “This guy isn’t texting me all of the time, I wonder what he’s doing. I’d better text him.” And because she is already attracted to me then her mind starts to wander in a positive direction for me. She starts to think that I must be busy (sometimes true) or that I’m out seeing another woman (sometimes true).
All mean that I have an attractive life and that other people like me. This is a form of social proof, though certainly not the most powerful type, it still helps.
- Social Proof: Social proof means that other people approve of whatever it is that they’re approving (or in the case of negative social proof, disapproving) of. Coming back to the book called “Influence” by Cialdini that is an amazing read that dives into this further, but the easy way to think about it is when you go out shopping:
- Let’s say you’re shopping for a new computer but you don’t know that much about computers. But you do know that Amazon has a list of computers and their reviews on the page with the item. Those reviews are a form of social proof, whether positive or negative. If other people say that this is the most perfectly priced computer and that they can’t believe that they got it for such a wonderful deal it’s going to sound a lot better than if people hated it, or if there aren’t any reviews at all. Attraction works very much the same way, for both men and women to differing degrees depending on the person and other factors
It helps because I preserve the mystery about me. There’s still more for her to figure out. That’s often reason enough alone for even lukewarm women to see me in person where I can turn up the heat.
The same will happen for you.
When her mind wanders like this it is a good thing for you. Her thinking about you and wondering what you’re doing is a form of investment in you.
What is investment?
The best way to talk about emotional investment is in the form of a famous example. It goes like this:
- Say that you really want a Ferrari. You stay up all night thinking about Ferrari’s and it’s the only thing that you want in life. Because you want this Ferrari, you get a high paying job and work for a few years saving up. The entire time you’re thinking about this amazing car, the features, how cool you’ll look driving it and what color you’ll get. You might even think of snarky Steve in the cubicle over, how jealous he will be after you get this car. And the girls, oh my god the girls are going to love it! They’re going to love you!You’ve got a calendar filled with nothing but pictures of Ferrari’s and you look at them daily.
Finally! The day finally comes when you have saved up enough money and you buy a Ferrari, in cash. You have no debt and you own it. It’s yours. On the way home you may even spill some coffee on the dash because you’re so excited. But you don’t care because this car is finally yours!
But when you get home there’s another Ferrari sitting outside of your house.
What the heck? Why is there another Ferrari outside of your house?
It turns out that you forgot that a week ago you entered a drawing to win a free Ferrari and you won! You now have two Ferrari’s!
But you don’t need two… which one do you think you will keep? Which one will you sell?
Is it the one that you spent so much time thinking about, pining over and working for, for so long? Or is it the one that somebody just gave to you because you got lucky?
Of course it’s the one that you worked for because you’ve already put so much more into it. Sure, it has that coffee stain, but that coffee stain is a symbol of your hard work.
There’s no emotion in the other one. This is what [emotional] investment is. It’s what you put into something.
You want to be the Ferrari that she puts effort and investment in, not the free one. The free Ferrari gets sold off while she rides off into the sunset with the Ferrari that she had to work for a little bit (pun possibly intended).
We all appreciate what we work for more than what is given to us. And it’s true of all of us.
Another way to think about it is in the form of a memory. A memory that everyone I’ve talked to has had happen to them, as for when it comes to women.
You meet this girl and man… she’s hot. But she’s not just hot she’s also smart, and kind and just amazing.
She’s the one.
You’re sure of it.
You’re so sure of it that you think about her all the time. Maybe you even think about what kind of marriage you’ll have. How you’ll kiss her after saying ‘I do’.
But then nothing happens.
Maybe you make your move and she shuts you down or maybe she gets a boyfriend or becomes too busy. It’s not the right time after all… but then the right time never seems to come around…
The end result is the same though, you never get her.
That was the power of investment in its cruelest form.
When a guy constantly texts her or answer her texts immediately while she takes hours to respond then he’s the free Ferrari that gets thrown away when a better Ferrari comes along. Meanwhile he elevates her to the Ferrari that he has to work his ass off to get.
Is the Ferrari with a coffee stain better than the free one?
But it seems like it is, and people are weird in that they will justify why that’s the case after they’ve made their decision. We all do it. We make decisions emotionally and justify them with logic later.
When a guy texts her constantly or drops everything to answer her immediately then not only is he shooting himself in the foot with her but he’s also depriving her of the chance to think about him. He is depriving her of the chance to pine over him. He is stealing the chance for her to think that she’s met her Prince Charming.
It sounds corny, but this is what happens, and it’s his fault in the end. He may not understand it is his fault (I certainly didn’t long ago) but it is. And this is something that almost universally, every guy can relate to.
Let’s make sure that it doesn’t happen between you and your dream girl. Learn from our past mistakes.
But Now What??
Does this mean that you can never reach out and initiate text messages?
No, it absolutely does not.
Because that would be the other extreme and neither extreme is good. One extreme will work better than the other but it’s only a small difference in the grand scheme of things. What will work far better than either extreme is a happy medium in between. This is the case with just about everything in life and it’s very true here.
A few good rules for your thumbs (and keep in mind that these situations can change in literally seconds) are as follows:
- If she’s texting you a lot it’s okay to text her more often
- If she answers your texts immediately then it’s okay to text her back a little quicker than you normally would
- Or more easily remembered; copy her
- Mirror her actions and as a beginner you’ll do just fine. As you get a more attractive life you’ll naturally progress to intermediate and then advanced with this completely by accident. But before that happens you’ll want to mirror what she does
- If she doesn’t reach out to text you very often then you’ll want to reach out at most once a week
- This is a slight difference from copying what she does. The reason is because as the man it’s still your job to make something happen and you can’t make something happen by waiting on her to text you
- Another exception to even this is if the relationship is still new. As in you haven’t had sex but on maybe one or two different occasions. Because women don’t recognize you as someone that will be a regular part of her life until you’ve had sex with her together at least a few different times on average. In other words, they don’t become a regular after only a single romp or two
- Naturally there are further exceptions, some women become converted into being a regular after having sex only once while some women will never become a regular and will drop you on a whim. It happens to all of us
- Don’t forget the 10:00 rule. Unless the woman is smitten with you (and if she’s smitten with you then you can toss a lot of rules out the window) you shouldn’t text her between the hours of 10:00 P.M. and 10:00 A.M.
- Why? Because after 10:00 P.M. she shouldn’t know that you’re bored on your laptop eating Cheetos. Remember that you want to appear that you have a great life and most people have stuff to do after 10, whether that involves sleeping to get up early to work or just hanging out with people or having sex with other women!
- But why not before 10:00 A.M.? Is it because it’s catchy to call it the 10:00 rule? No (although I think it’s catchy), this is because you want to make sure that the woman has woken up already and at least started her day. Most people are going to be up and around and had their cup of coffee by 10. If you text her before 10 then you run the risk of her feeling like shit having just woken up and then ignoring you because of her foul morning mood. Then no matter how much she liked you before, now you start to become the guy that she ignores, not even on purpose at first
You also don’t want to text her back immediately every time when she texts you. It’s easy to fall into the habit of hearing that beautiful jingle lighting up your phone and to scoop it up and reply right away.
This comes back again to wanting to demonstrate to her that you are her equal or better. You need to demonstrate to her that you have a life of your own and that she isn’t the center of it. After all, are you living your life for you or for other people? Because living your life for you is attractive to everybody and demands respect.
You want to communicate that you have friends, hobbies and even other women in your own life. Even if you don’t yet, you will soon. I’m here to help you get this achievement under your belt. But before that, you need to fake it till you make it.
I hope you enjoyed the sneak peak! If you’d like to look into it more you can get the book for only a few dollars here.