- Quick Note: Consider this an unofficial follow-up on How to Be Dominant. Because dominance is about gaining respect. Charm and charisma, however, is about exuding warmth and attracting people to you. And you need both to survive and thrive in any kind of social environment
- Dominance gains you respect, but charm and charisma gives you a magnetic pull that makes you likable. Dominance without charm will make people afraid of you whereas charm without dominance will allow others to step all over you
We’ve all seen them… the social butterflies who are able to make friends and connections wherever they go. They’re charming and ooze charisma. The types of people who could sell ice to an Eskimo chipped from their own igloo.
It’s almost annoying how smooth they are with people, like they’ve got access to some kind of social black magic.
Women love them and men want to be them. They’ve got an open invite to anywhere people are involved and everyone is happy to drop everything to do something for these social wizards.
But then when we meet them, we can’t help but be taken in by their energy.
There’s just something about them, their charm, their charisma. It takes everyone in. And instead of hating them like we sometimes do at first we ourselves get taken in and can’t help but like them.
It’s more than being a happy person, it’s more than being confident. Though both go into it (and if you want the confidence that comes from being a man that women lust after click here to become that man).
But what is it that these people possess that makes their charisma so intoxicating?
It turns out, that there are a few things that goes into the charisma these people possess. And today we’re going to steal some of these hacks for ourselves.
First Charisma Hack: Being Open
Having good energy, being friendly, or even having open body language.
It goes by different names but it’s all the same: it’s about being open to the world and the people in it. And it’s about exuding positive energy out into the world.
We’ll cover the positive energy part next, but first we need to talk about being open.
Because people who are closed off to the world are telling the world that they are not interested in engaging with anyone. We covered a little bit about this in the posts about dominance and about body posture.
But essentially, you have to have open body language. Otherwise you will not have any warmth to you, and this will cause everyone’s brains to think of you as creepy.
In a Ted Talk, Mark ‘The Body Language King’ Bowden (check him out at truthplane for more social wizard tips and tricks) talks briefly about this phenomenon in an awesome video. The video is only about 20 minutes and worth every second, so make sure to check it out.
But here’s the TL;DR version;
Mark talks about how when people meet you they automatically put you into one of four categories:
- Possible Mate (the dominance/respect aspect I mentioned in the beginning will help with this part of the equation)
What Do People Mean When They Call Someone Creepy?
When someone calls someone else creepy, something interesting is going on.
Two people can walk up to a woman and say the exact same thing:
“Hi, I thought you were beautiful and wanted to come meet you”Loverboy’s and creepers everywhere
The first person can be described as creepy whereas the second can be described as bold and attractive. Even if the woman isn’t interested she will still be flattered by the second man’s approach while creeped out by the first person’s approach.
The reason that there is a difference is because of what Mark calls predator signals.
These signals can be something as obvious as someone who looks angry, or like they’re looking for trouble:
But most of the time that’s not what’s happening.
Most of the time, whenever we see signals that someone is going to try and hurt us we will think of them as a threat and not use the word creepy [for a personal example, I was nearly robbed while sleeping in my car when I was homeless! I would never call that guy creepy, though I would call him a douchecanoe and possibly gay].
We’ll describe them as dangerous, or looking for trouble or something along those lines.
The reason is because it’s a little more obvious and overt. There’s no second guessing, no confusion, just a pure seething menace emanating from the other person.
Creepy, on the other hand, flies more under the radar. Similar to old guys at a public gym (large or small they choose to bare it all… and I don’t understand why). They aren’t doing anything that’s obviously trying to hurt me, but they are displaying a signal that puts me ill at ease (especially this one guy sporting a full mast at midnight).
Creepy is Different
More or less, creepy is simply incomplete or conflicting signals.
Think again about the above example:
“Hi, I thought you were beautiful and wanted to come meet you”
On the surface, this sounds like a compliment. And just reading it, it seems obvious why this hypothetical guy is coming to talk to this hypothetical girl.
But if he comes up to her with his shoulders down, a blank stare on his face or possibly even a lot of nervous energy it will feel off to her.
The same is true if this guy were to talk to you. You would get the creeps.
Even if he won the nicest guy in the world championship and is having a bad day, or is scared. It doesn’t matter!
Better Safe Than Sorry
It’s like Mark says, your brain would rather be safe than sorry. If it can’t say for certain which category a person belongs to, they will go into the predator category automatically.
The term for this, is called ‘incongruence’. Incongruence is a competition of signals. An example could be when someone says they’re nice but then we catch them stabbing a family in the alleyway. Or when women come across a ‘nice guy’ who then proceeds to stalk and harass her. Not so nice after all…
This competition of signals is what causes us to get the creeps from certain people. What we see are positive signals whereas the ones we feel are negative. Because these signals are competing against each other it creates stress in our brains (called cognitive dissonance).
Our brains don’t like stress. Because our brains want to get rid of this stress we make a snap judgement about this other person and call them creepy.
BOOM! Stress resolved. Our brains are happy and we want to run away from the creeper.
This is because a few thousand years ago if someone refused to trust their creeper/predator radars then they got eaten. Or they got beaten up by a fellow caveman or whatever other number of terrible things happened back then.
Mark has some great advice on getting into the friend category in his video. To get some tips on how to get into the friend category then check out the video(linked here again). Or check out his website, linked here again for easy access.
Being able to get into the friend category is the first step of being charming. Because nobody wants to be friends with someone they think will hurt them.
Second Charisma Hack: Exude Positive Energy
Has there ever been a time when you knew someone, maybe a friend or maybe just an acquaintance, who was unbelievably negative?
You might say something like: “Awesome weather we’re having!”
Negative Nancy: “I guess, if you like warm sunshine”
Or say something amazing just happened to you. Maybe you got a promotion and you’ve shared the good news with everyone.
Instead of being happy for you, this person says in a blank, monotone voice that they just got fired.
It doesn’t matter what it is, this person cannot say anything positive.
It doesn’t have to be that extreme, but we’ve all experienced someone like that.
Now let me ask you, how much did you enjoy being around this person? How many social invites did they get? And how often were they made fun of behind their back?
Negative People Are Draining
Negative people drain our energy, which is why we oftentimes try to avoid negative people when we can.
Positive people, on the other hand, give energy freely. They make everyone around them feel better.
This means smiling at people and also goes hand in hand with being open. And it means trying to be as happy as you can with what you have.
If you’re reading this blog then that means you probably want to get something out of it. You want more for your life and that’s okay.
It’s okay to want more, to work towards more and get more into and out of your life.
But you also have to accept where you are now. If you can do that then you are a lot more likely to get to where you want to go. You’ll also get there tens of times faster than you would otherwise and you’ll be happy along the way.
You’ll make a lot more friends along the way if you can do that.
However, that doesn’t mean that you try to be positive at the expense of others and ignore the next charisma hack…
Third Charisma Hack: Empathy
Wikipedia has the best definition of empathy, in my opinion (as well as information about the different types)
Empathy: Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. That is, the ability to place oneself in another’s position. Types of empathy include cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, and somatic empathy
Being positive is a great thing. Not only for you but for other people.
However, there is a line. Imagine if someone in your family just died and you told a friend about it.
Would you be too happy with this friend if, after telling them, they were all smiles? If they were telling you to look at the bright side, at least not all of your family died in a raging inferno! It’s just a single one!
You’d be pissed!
But our everyday lives are rarely that extreme.
My Own Story
Here’s a story from an old coworker of mine.
Something was always a little off with this guy. He seemed like he was always in a great mood but he was always the punching bag for everyone. That was the dominance side of things.
He never stood up for himself. That was his first mistake and so nobody respected him.
But the second was that he was incredibly selfish, and I had to experience this quite a few times before I finally figured it all out. People like this are always unbelievably selfish.
Because they don’t bother to express any empathy at all!
These people are social burdens. But they still want you to recognize where they are at, emotionally and give them what they want when they want it.
The morning that I figured this out was a morning we had to be at work earlier than normal. It was five in the morning and I didn’t sleep well the night before. Not the best recipe in the world already.
I get paired up to work with this guy.
A guy that inspired the name for these types of people…
I am not a morning person and usually need a few hours to ‘wake’ up.
This guy would not pick up on my hints that I didn’t want to talk. I was dead tired. Not only that, but he also was the type that didn’t seem to breathe as he talked and only talked about himself.
Not only did he not ask me a single question about myself, but he also ignored the fact that I didn’t have any energy to do much of anything at all. It took all of my focus to do my work.
He basically treated me like a sounding board.
And that’s the second thing these types have in common. They hijack any and all conversations to somehow be about them and their stories.
Keep in mind, if you have entertaining stories you can get away with this. But these people almost universally don’t seem to have anything entertaining to say.
They talk just to talk.
And finally, they completely ignore the people around them and how uncomfortable they are. But you’re still supposed to be thankful that they’re around.
That’s what this old coworker did.
The fact that he wanted to talk didn’t bother me much so I let him go on. But then after a while he got frustrated that I didn’t want to talk and started bitching at me.
Which is another thing these types always seem to do.
If you don’t give them what they want when they want it then they get mad, and somehow you’re the problem.
In short, they’re a social burden and they don’t offer anything of value. And incidentally, this is what happens to a lot of women.
don’t do what happy hijackers do
A guy will start talking to a girl he thinks is attractive. Okay, nothing wrong with that. But if she’s not interested then she’s somehow a bitch.
That’s not how the world works.
In order to get something from someone we have to offer something of value.
A lot of the time, being in an infectiously positive mood can have significant value. When it’s well-placed. And this is something that charming people understand.
How to Be More Empathetic
One thing that is an absolute must, and something that people full of charisma understand is this: nobody gives a shit about you.
At least at first.
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but the only people that care about you are those that are invested in you.
We are the same way, by the way. People in general are selfish creatures. We always want to get something in exchange for what we have to offer.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s how us humans have come to rule the planet.
Think about the starving kids in Africa. Now think about the various tribes of people in the Amazon.
Do you know anything about either or both groups?
Do you know and understand their struggles?
Because I’ll be honest; I don’t. And I also don’t care.
There’s a good chance that you don’t either.
Why is that?
Because they don’t have anything to do with our lives.
What Charming People Do Differently
But what people full of charisma do differently than a happy hijacker is that they make the conversation all about other people. Charmers make themselves and the conversation relevant to other people.
Normally, they’re insatiably curious people (or have learned to pretend to be). They want to understand how someone got to where they are in life. What choices did they make through life and why?
We all have a need to be understood, and someone with charisma understands this.
People love talking about themselves, as you will no doubt have realized when talking to a happy hijacker.
This is emotional investment in action.
And it’s something that a charming and charismatic person understands. To get something, we have to offer something of value.
To gain charisma and the superpower to charm anyone, you have to give people what they want.
What Do People Want?
Thankfully, people want surprisingly little a vast majority of the time.
We want respect, love and understanding from our peers. In short, we want to feel connected.
Mastering dominance will allow you to become a respected person. A dominant man is a respected man whom others value.
The charisma part of the equation is in getting emotional investment. Doing this will allow others to feel connected to you. And once people are connected to you they will become emotionally invested in you.
Once emotionally invested in you they will start to care about your success. And they will start to care about you as a person.
After that, you will become the annoyingly charming person that we’ve all come across and hate to love. You’ll become the type of man overflowing with a charisma that allows you to swim through life with a team of people happy to see you.
These aren’t the only things you will need for charisma, but these are critical in getting there. We’ll do some follow-ups but for now, check out this article about having a great conversation with people. It’s focused on talking with women but it can be applied to anyone.
Until Next Time, Keep Moving Forward